Let the Past be the Past
by The Marauder Named Prongs
Summary: Sirius joins Remus for some drinks in the Kitchens. Some skeletons from Remus' past are revealed that he would have rather left hidden in the closet. Marauder Era. Remus/Sirius one-shot. Takes place in their seventh year at Hogwarts.


**Just a little Remus/Sirius one-shot I wrote. It's different. I like it. I hope you do too.**

Let the Past be the Past

Remus Lupin sat quietly in the kitchens of Hogwarts, swigging from a bottle of cooking sherry. He was not upset, depressed or angry. He just enjoyed a drink every once in a while. The house elves of Hogwarts were always happy to supply him with all the alcohol and snacks he desired. He made sure to never get drunk. He wasn't here for that; he just enjoyed a drink.

Sometimes, Sirius Black would accompany him, though Remus preferred to have this time to himself. He could never deny his lover what he wanted, even if that meant an intrusion on Remus' 'alone-time'. It seemed, whenever Sirius joined him, they always ended up drunk. Maybe, that was the reason Remus would rather be by himself. He didn't really like getting drunk. Though, he couldn't deny that it had led to some unforgettable nights with Sirius.

Tonight, he was alone. He smiled as he sipped and talked to the house elves around him. They were good company. They never asked for anything, but offered everything. They were kind creatures, and he appreciated their hospitality. They didn't even object if he felt like lighting up a cigarette. He found he only smoked when he drank. He was nowhere near addicted, and he never had an urge to stick a cigarette between his lips at any other time.

It had probably been close to an hour when someone else stumbled into the Kitchens. It didn't surprise Remus at all to see Sirius Black sauntering towards him, as house elves bowed and pushed pastries into his hands. He did not thank them, but took what they offered greedily. Remus rolled his eyes, pulling out a cigarette as he did so. He knew Sirius found it unbelievably sexy when he smoked. He had actually found that out the last time Sirius had accompanied him down here. They always seemed to learn something new and often shocking about each other when they drank together. Remus didn't mind.

"Hey, Pads," he said nonchalantly before sticking the cigarette into his mouth and igniting it with the tip of his wand. "How'd you know I would be down here?" He blew out a billowing cloud of grey smoke, loving the way Sirius looked at him. There was a fire kindling in the other boy's eyes. Remus had a feeling this would be another one of those alcohol-induced unforgettable nights. He smiled.

Sirius did not answer until he was seated beside the lycanthrope, gulping deeply from the bottle Remus had not offered him. "You weren't in the Room of Requirement or the Astronomy Tower. This was the only place left I could think to look for you in." He shrugged his shoulders.

Remus took a long drag off of his cigarette. "And why were you looking for me?" he asked teasingly, still smiling broadly as the smoke seeped out of his moving lips.

"Because I missed you, Moony!" Sirius exclaimed as though the very fact that Remus had asked was foolish. He took another massive gulp from the bottle. At this rate, he would be drunk long before Remus.

At the thought, Remus beckoned the closest house elf towards him, requesting that he bring him a second bottle of sherry. The house elf bowed so low his nose touched the floor at his feet before scurrying off to fulfill Remus' wishes. Remus glanced at Sirius. The boy was watching him carefully, his eyes moving from Remus' hair to the smoke streaming out of the end of the cigarette he had perched in the corner of his mouth. Occasionally, he would look away to drink deeply once more.

"Remus?" Sirius inquired several minutes later, as Remus took a final drag off of his cigarette and discarded it upon the floor.

"Mmm?" Remus replied, quietly thanking the elf that had suddenly returned with his bottle of alcohol. He uncapped it and drank deeply, feeling like he had a lot of catching up to do if he wished to be as smashed as Sirius by the end of the night.

Sirius looked at him hard, as though he were concentrating with all his might on the words he wished to say. "You love me, yes?" he said finally, looking away from the werewolf for the first time in nearly fifteen minutes.

Remus rolled his eyes. This was a game Sirius liked to play when he was drunk. "Of course I love you, Padfoot." Remus replied in exasperation. "You know that."

Sirius nodded, before continuing. "Yeah," he said, more to himself than to his lover. "But have you always loved me?" Well, this was different. Usually, Remus sat for many minutes assuring Sirius that he loved him and only him and nothing would ever change that. Sirius had never given up his need for reassurance so quickly before.

Remus sat quietly for several seconds. He wasn't sure if this was some kind of trick question he was missing, and the wrong answer would send Sirius into a tantrum only comparable to Lily Evans PMSing during one of James' declarations of undying love. He took a few more swigs of sherry, then replied; "I haven't always known you, Pads." He felt like that was the best answer he could give. It wasn't incriminating and it was honest.

It was Sirius' turn to roll his eyes. "Well, I know that, Moony," he said, as though it were the most obvious statement he had ever made. "I meant, have you loved me as long as you've known me?"

He was making this very difficult for Remus. The werewolf had his share of skeletons in his closet, most of which Sirius was already aware; some of which he had shared with no one. Nor did he have any desire to. Unfortunately, he could see no way around this one without blatantly lying. "No, Siri, I haven't."

Both men knew that was not the answer Sirius had been expecting. Remus was sure he had been expecting some sort of romantic show of love and loyalty; the kind of thing found in sappy love stories that never really happened. There was a tense, awkward silence. In his nervousness, Remus withdrew another cigarette. Maybe, this would change Sirius' train of thought. Maybe he could distract him and they could just snog the night away or something. He was desperate to get off this subject. He hated how something always seemed to reveal itself when he and Sirius drank together. This was one subject he was not so keen to divulge in. He lit his cigarette and pretended like nothing was wrong. Hopefully, his lover would do the same.

But Sirius' slightly alcohol-fogged brain did not let it go quite so easily. "Did you love someone else once?" he asked, seeming almost afraid of the answer he was sure to get.

Remus hung his head. He really didn't want to have this conversation tonight. He had been having such a pleasant time by himself. Why did Sirius have to come down here and ruin it on him? He sighed, dragging deeply on his new cigarette. "I wouldn't call it love, Sirius," he responded.

"Then what would you call it?" Sirius had not touched his bottle of sherry in quite some time now. Remus didn't like that. That was not a good sign. His lover was getting upset. And it was only going to get worse from here.

Remus was getting frustrated. This wasn't fair. Why did have to divulge in his past? It wasn't important. He was with Sirius now and that was all that should matter. He loved him and he had never done anything to wrong him. They were so good together. It wasn't fair that Sirius try to ruin it now. With an aggravated sigh, Remus answered honestly yet again. "I'd call it lust, maybe?" He shrugged his shoulders. "Infatuation?" he supplied. Even he wasn't sure what it had been all those years ago.

Sirius was getting emotional. Remus could see his demeanor changing. "Who was it, Remus?" he asked, his voice hard as he attempted to hide everything he was really feeling.

"Just some boy I knew from my childhood." Remus tried to make it sound stupid and unimportant. "He knew I was gay and he admitted he'd had a crush on me for years. It was romantic. I couldn't stop myself from liking him back." He wasn't sure if he was climbing out of his grave or just digging a deeper one. "It was nothing like what we have. I swear to you, I've never loved anyone like I love you." He prayed Sirius would believe him. He was being completely honest with him about everything, though he would much rather be lying. It would be awful for Sirius to not believe the one thing that he should easily be accepting as true.

"When?"

Remus thought he could see tears welling up in Sirius' eyes. This was all so stupid. Why did it matter?

He took another deep drag, resigned to the fact that his sexy-cigarette-smoking had not distracted Sirius from this painful information. "The summer into fifth year." He knew this was going to upset Sirius more than anything else had, and yet, it was not the worst information Sirius was likely to uncover in the conversation. Remus and Sirius had gotten together in March of their fifth year. Remus was sure his lover would somehow manipulate this into being a betrayal. Probably, Remus reasoned, because Sirius had been in love with him for years, while Remus could not honestly say the same in return. He understood how that could be painful. But Sirius already knew that. It was just the fact that Remus had been with someone else while Sirius had been pining for him that made the animagus feel betrayed.

Just as Remus had suspected, Sirius had turned a pale shade of white and let the bottle of sherry drop from his fingers, where it shattered on the floor around his feet. He had always been one for dramatics. Swiftly, there were seven house elves cleaning the mess and apologizing as though it had been their fault the bottle had smashed. For the first time in hours, Remus looked up into Sirius' face. The boy looked heart-broken, but Remus couldn't find it in him to care. This wasn't fair to him. It wasn't his fault he had found one stupid person before Sirius. They couldn't ALL get it right on the first try. Why couldn't Sirius just let the past be the past? He knew his face was showing the anger his thoughts were radiating.

"You're not being fair, Padfoot," he said, dropping his cigarette butt into the puddle of sherry the house elves were cleaning. "The past is the past. I can't do anything about it and neither can you. Why is it such a big deal?" Yes, he already knew the answer to that, but he wanted to hear it from Sirius.

Sirius was silent for a long time as Remus stood from his seat and paced in front of him, still drinking from his own bottle. Finally, Sirius replied. "I never loved anyone else." His voice was quiet, timid; one thing Sirius Black was certainly not.

"For Merlin's sake!" Remus exclaimed, throwing his arms up in frustration, "I didn't love him! It was just one stupid crush for one stupid summer!"

Both boys fell into silence again. Remus, in the back of his mind, was silently thankful that Sirius had not yet inquired further into his former relationship. There were other details he never wished to reveal, though he knew he would not lie if Sirius asked. He hoped that would not happen tonight.

Sirius was the one to break the silence. It had been a long time, and Remus had still not stopped pacing. Sirius had watched every step, knowing there was something he had missed. Remus was holding something back. He was agitated, and he was a fool if he thought Sirius was drunk enough to not notice. Sirius was hardly even drunk. This was certainly going to be an unforgettable night, though not in the sense either boy had been hoping.

"Was it serious?" the animagus asked quietly, trying to keep all emotion out of his voice. He wanted to talk about this, but he was also aware that he would likely get upset if he heard the wrong thing.

Irritated again, Remus answered sharply. "It was just a crush, Padfoot. Just a crush."

"Did you do anything?" Sirius inquired further, subtly turning the subject towards the question he really wanted answered.

Remus shrugged again, his pacing slowing before he finally stopped and sat in a seat across from Sirius. He folded his hands on his knees, looking at them with great interest. Anything to avoid Sirius' gaze. "We went to the movies once or twice," Remus answered, knowing this was not at all what Sirius had been referring to. "We weren't really open about being together or anything."

Sirius' calm façade was quickly deteriorating. "That's not what I meant."

Remus nodded curtly. "I know."

The animagus cocked his head to the side, trying to get a look into Remus' eyes. If the boy was avoiding the question, the answer could only be yes. They both knew that.

"What did you do with him?" Sirius asked, his voice wavering. He felt very insignificant at that moment.

"I don't know, Sirius!" Remus was getting angry. He didn't want the conversation to go there. He didn't want to answer. He couldn't stop thinking that this just wasn't fair. He shouldn't be punished for things he did before he ever even dreamed of being with Sirius. If he could take it all back and love Sirius and only Sirius, he would. Why couldn't that stupid boy understand that? He should already know it! Remus shouldn't have to explain himself.

"Did you have sex with him?" Sirius couldn't stop himself. The question had been burning in his throat ever since the information about this past relationship he knew nothing about had surfaced. He was sick of dancing around it when they both knew it was unavoidable.

Remus visibly stiffened. He did not move a single muscle. That was the one question he didn't want to be asked. It was the one and only question he never wanted to answer. And yet, he couldn't lie about it. Sirius already knew the answer; he was sure of it. The boy just wanted to hear it from the lycanthrope's own mouth.

"Yes," Remus whispered, barely audible. The weight of that one tiny word was enough to crush his heart and stop his blood from flowing. He sat immobile as though he were stuck to his seat. He was sure his answer had had the same effect on Sirius.

He was wrong.

Remus heard his lover stand and storm out of the kitchens, but he had no urge or energy to follow him. It was not his fault Sirius had delved into his past. If he couldn't handle the answers, he shouldn't have asked the questions. Would he have preferred that Remus lie to him? Would that have made everything better? This didn't make anything between them less significant. It had no effect on his love for Sirius or their relationship.

Sirius needed time to cool down, and Remus knew that. He would not chase him and beg his forgiveness. He had nothing to forgive. He couldn't change the past and the past shouldn't change their future. Sirius would realize that in time, and time was something Remus was willing to give him.

A house elf with a very pointed face pushed another bottle of cooking sherry under Remus' nose. Remus accepted it gratefully, thanking the house elf as she scampered away, bowing the entire time. He uncapped it and downed half its contents in one large mouthful. It tasted wonderful; like peaceful oblivion. He knew he was unlikely to venture off to the kitchens anymore after this. He now realized just how badly things could go under the influence of overly-kind house elves and alcohol. He may as well make the best of the remainder of the night, he thought as he started gulping down the second half of the bottle of sherry.

**So, let me know if it was crap or not. AKA Leave me a review! =D**


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